I don't know what I want

This is strange. I like programming I guess I have always liked it since my first exposure. I have been that akward teenager in school the nerdy types they show in the movies. The ones who are weird to talk to. Despite all that at school I had always been confident about myself. The motto was is simple I never cared about what the others said or atleast I have been sucessful in making myself belive so. Somehow, somewhere JEE Prep, college. the internet has beaten that out of me. Now my happiness stems from what others think and this saddens me deeply. I remember when I had learnt to use one of those skiddish virus creators for the first time it felt great. I have been fortunate enough to have that magical feeling several times. The feeling where you realize that a lot more is possible. When I first made my first power point animation. When I used infinite loops in a batch file script to make tons of folders. I still get awed by tons of cool things I come across daily but I hardly get THAT feeling. Reading AI and Math makes me feel good but not the same. Is that because I realize that there is a lot to learn, so much that I may never do it? Or is that because I have always been living in a bubble and now I am scared of those who are better than me. I guess it is the latter. Learning in isolation has been my power because when you do that you never know where you are. Now that can be limiting but probably not for me because I learn due to my fascination with things. When I learn when others are watching I just can’t. I like presenting my work and I enjoy when people appreciate me but I just want to show the finished product and not the process. I want people to stay away during the process. I don’t know how to fix myself. I just want to go back to stop caring about everyone else.